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  • The Joke Thread

    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The
    instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
    Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles
    and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make
    plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you
    to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
    After a few moments a man, named James, at the back of the room,
    slowly raised his hand.
    "Yes?" said the Instructor.
    "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf
    bag while we walk?"
    Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just
    can't be taught.

  • #2
    An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
    'Fred,' he replies.
    'Fred what?' the officer asks.
    'Just Fred,' the man responds.
    The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
    The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
    The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
    "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
    "Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."
    The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

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    • #3

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      • #5
        A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he spent years teaching the natives, in their language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them much was how to speak English.
        So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
        The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
        The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
        The chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
        The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
        As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
        The Priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."
        The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
        The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
        The chief replied, "My bike."

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        • #6

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          • #7
            A 15-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
            He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
            "With what money?!" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
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            "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me $15."
            The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15?!" they asked.
            "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15."
            "Oh my goodness," moaned the mother,. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
            So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for $15 and demanded to know why she did it.
            "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

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            • #8
              A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
              Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
              Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
              The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
              "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

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              • #9
                A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
                'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
                The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
                She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
                The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
                Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
                The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
                'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
                The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
                'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
                He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

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                • #10
                  An elderly man living alone in Scotland wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) Manchester . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
                  Dear Paul,
                  I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
                  Love, Dad
                  A few days later he received a letter from his son.
                  Dear Dad,
                  Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
                  Love,
                  Paul.
                  At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
                  Dear Dad,
                  Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

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                  • #11
                    I stopped by my local Ford Dealership this morning to look for a new truck. I saw a nice F-350 crew cab loaded with all the options that I liked and asked to take it for a test drive.
                    The salesperson (a lady wearing a Biden for President lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its options. She explained that the Electric Seats were connected to the ventilation system and could be set to direct cool air to your butt in the summer & warm air to your butt in the winter.
                    So I mentioned that this must be a "Trump truck". She looked at me a bit angry, and asked why I thought it was a Trump truck. I told her that if it were a Biden truck, the seats would just blow smoke up my ass year round.
                    The two mile walk back to the dealership to pick up my truck was worth it.

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                    • #12
                      A man was riding his Harley along a California highway, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
                      The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
                      The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take!
                      It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
                      The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
                      The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge

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                      • #13
                        A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
                        The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
                        She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
                        The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."
                        the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
                        The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
                        The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."
                        the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
                        The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
                        handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
                        he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
                        The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
                        "i told her, 'first class isn't going to toronto."

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                        • #14
                          THE FIRST AFFAIR!
                          There was a Navy Master Chief and his wife who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters.
                          They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
                          After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
                          The joyful Master Chief rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
                          He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
                          The Master Chief went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
                          The Master Chief stated to his wife....
                          "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
                          Then he gave her a stern look and asked,.....
                          "Have you been fooling around on me?"
                          The wife just smiled sweetly and said.....
                          "Not this time."

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                          • #15
                            Okay so my neighbors have been complaining that my dog had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zap collars, so I went on Amazon and purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently, they don't like it.
                            This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work. So, I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens.
                            Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did...I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face. I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is barking. So, between coughing and yelling at her to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco. I finally get the collar off and threw, yes, I threw that inhumane thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the hot South Carolina air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while.
                            Then I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! She was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe. Between gasps, she tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch. Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that: 1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off. 2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!

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